Please use the following link to access my story, The Journey to Home, Pass 2.
story-pass-2-the-journey-to-home.doc
June 18, 2007
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- June 18, 2007 at 4:07 am
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- FIL5810 Assignments
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Chien-Huei's World
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July 7, 2007 at 5:33 pm
I think you have a really fantastically rich plot here and I think your main character has a lot of potential. One thing I would suggest is to narrow the focus of your plot a little. It seems a bit rushed and jumpy. We, the readers, speed through Jee-Ling’s major life events in a very short time. The story would be stronger if it were more focused around one central problem (say her father’s decision to bind or not bind her feet, the decision to marry Yung-Ching, etc.). You have enough substance here for a novel, but writing a short story requires a much more precise focus. I really liked the character of Jee-Ling and I would have liked to see her developed more fully. To improve the focus, I would suggest picking one central problem and flesh that story arc out into a full-blown story. There is also a lot of exposition (mostly I think because your story is too big for the constraints of this assignment and you want to get it all in for us to understand). With less background information to fit in, you’d have to write less exposition and could focus a little more on “show” than “tell.” I look forward to your next pass! Good luck!
Amy
July 7, 2007 at 6:35 pm
This story is so engrossing and touching … the first time I read it through, I didn’t stop. I just wanted to keep reading to see what happened next.
Many of the photos you added in the second pass were descriptive of the events you were describing … in particular the first photo of the bound feet made my stomach queasy just looking at them … I could feel Jee-Ling’s pain. However, I’m not sure I understand how photos three through five fit into the story.
Your narrative has all the heart a story could ever need. It seems there is a history lesson and a lovely ‘never give up’ message. I would love to know how everything ends. Does she find her mother? Her brother?
I look forward to reading your next version.
July 8, 2007 at 9:35 pm
Chien-Huei,
Great story! Jee-Ling’s emotional rollercoaster and the up’s and the downs of life in wartime kept me hanging on. It kind of reminds me of an exotic Daniel Steel romance novel set in China. This is a well written story punctuated by fabulous pictures giving us a true peek into another culture.
For pass 3 & 4, a link to see a traditional Chinese wedding, maybe explaining the different rituals performed. Like, why a stick is used to lift the veil of the bride. How about an interactive map with a little history on each place the story takes Jee-Ling? As I do not know what the wars are about maybe a hyperlink to sight that will give me background information of who is fighting and why. Some war footage might be good to punctuate the devastation.
Look forward to seeing what you do in pass 3 & 4.